Living With A Curse

Beware: I’m having an off-the-wall day.

Most of my life has been decidedly fortunate and for this I am grateful beyond words. During the last 12 months, however, my fortune and that of those close to me has not continued at the giddy heights we had previously enjoyed.

I could go into detail but it would just sound like I was whining, and while I am not immune to a little self-pity, I will not bore you with it here. Suffice it to say that a multitude of minor mishaps have occurred of late. None have been particularly serious or ominous (e.g. lightning strikes, tiger attacks, spontaneous combustion etc…) so I’ve decided I must be the victim of a low-strength curse.

I have clearly pissed off somebody who has a small amount of training in the art of curses, but they are obviously no expert – perhaps an apprentice or a hobbyist? Still, I don’t want to take the risk that their ability increases and a plague of locusts appears at my door … so the time to act is now.

With the trusty internet as my guide, I found the answer in minutes. I need to light a black candle and meditate, imagining the curse as a white light leaving my body and entering the dark candle’s flame.

I believe chanting is optional but will probably avoid this at my first attempt in case my wife calls someone to have me carted away. So why haven’t I started already you ask? Results are what you are interested in if you are suffering a similar fate. Well, I have several worries:

• What if it’s my wife who’s cursed, or worse, she put the curse on me in the first place? I’ve occasionally heard her whispering on the phone which may or may not be damning evidence.
• What if the neighbours hear of me practising these dark arts and form an angry mob at my door, brandishing their picks and shovels?
• What if the ritual works and I become addicted to the power I will then possess? I might use it to bring the rest of the world to my feet? To be honest, this is more of a positive, but I’m sure it comes with its own worries.
• What if, as is probably most likely the case, I’m not cursed at all but just going through one of those crappy periods known to visit most people at some point? Logic dictates it will pass if I’m positive and press on regardless.

So if any of you dabblers have any knowledge of ‘ridding yourself of bothersome low-strength curses’, I’m waiting to hear from you before buying a black candle and heading to the attic. They’re not cheap you know. Do you think you can just paint an ordinary white candle?